Happy New Year 2014 extended to 2017
The year 2013 has ended about 2 hours ago.
I am overwhelmed, physically and mentally drained.
I often find myself thinking negatively about the future instead of positive, that's not in my nature to act like so. Most people know me as a bubble chatty person, has a gift of gab, can make strangers feel at ease in a new place.....
but now I am struggling with just going out of the house.
My hubby is not getting better, physically nor emotionally.
He slapped me twice just before the year ended. We came home from a family dinner at a restaurant, things went well and everyone shown their love and concerns to him in their own way.....
yet when we got home, he became agitated, repetitively asking for shower, water to drink or to be hoisted upstairs. All of those repetitively .....screaming louder and louder on top of his lung....usually when i try to calm him down with gentle soft tone voice it works, yet tonight it didn't work.
Now he asked me to leave him alone, for he wants to sleep ....he seemed disconnected with me....yet when he hold that little red rubber heart in his left palm and said, "look Lin, I am holding your heart in my palm"....i melted.
I remember his expression of love is through "act of service" not just by words.
He liked to help me do things that I'm not good at....like computer stuffs, downloading good reading materials to refresh our thoughts and minds with the latest trend ....how to be more effective leaders to your group at church.....how to be better communicator.....how to be better parents.....yet now he doesn't do any of that......
God please fix and heal his nerves that are not connecting all those signals in his brain.
I don't know how to, and none of the doctors can help anymore, now is the healing time...and anti depressant maybe to control his mood....but does it mean he will be like this for the rest of his life?
Someone who is so capable, his brothers and father are so proud of him being the only son who has a master degree from ivy league university in USA. They retold the story of how my husband is so genius in his maths and physics. His major in robotics from University of Minnesota and master of Electrical Engineering from Cornell University, graduated with summa cum laude .... and now down to this. Wheelchair bound, needing help just to turn his body. Why Lord???
Lord what is it that you are planning for him and us as a family?
I know I am suppose to be like Job, I want to be like Job Lord.....but my heart is crying out ....so painful......what to do with this situation?
Can I have a glimpse of the future so I can hang on to now Lord?
What is this all about? What's the purpose for this?
I know I may not know till I meet You face to face......yet have mercy on my tiny faith Lord.....keep it alive by revealing just a little bit .....so i can have hope of the future.....
I am not Job, I have no training nor upbringing on this....not preconditioning on how to handle a TBI survivor....how can I do this Lord? how can I finish this well and bring glory to Your name?
I don't know how to even get to another day with this situation.
My heart is crushed totally .....I have no more strength.....in every form.....
I can't think properly.....my brain is numb....I keep eating though now my weight is soaring....I never been so heavy in my life before till now.
I keep evading the job that awaits me, pushing my mother away from talking me into going back to work at the office....cos I don't know if I am capable anymore....i can't even remember many things....it's like at the tip of my tongue but couldn't come through.....
I can sense that my heart and my mind are shutting down.....is this what You want Lord?
Do you want my boys to be orphans?
Those are my last words written in the early 2014. Simply stated, I know how it feels to be burnout.
Now is April 2017, as I am looking back at the old posts I wrote, and grateful at how God has brought me so far.
Not saying all rosy and cheery, in fact more tears and sorrows than happiness.
Literally, that's what I do, I call on the Lord (more like cry out to the Lord...not just call...weeping my eyes out), and I am seeing His glory now.
Not that my prayer for my husband to be healed totally is answered, instead He opened up my heart to new dimension of His blessings.
How so?
The world shows me my husband as an invalid, but the Lord shows me that I am blessed by being first eyewitness of His living miracle daily.
PET scan of my husband's brain shows that his right brain is 75% dead. The head of local rehabilitation medic asked me, "What would you like me to do for your husband Mam? he is severely damaged on his right brain, plus you have done all that could be done.....nothing else I can do for you"----those words are so hard to swallow.
I used to cry over it, but now I can accept it and being thankful.
Even with his half brain condition, my husband is still able to communicate and becoming more aware of his surroundings and implications that he brought to others.
He could still pray with me and for our family. Watching TV will make him laugh or cry sometimes when it shows something sad. He can remember recent things that he heard or saw.....that's a proof that his short term memory is improving, slowly but sure.😇😇
So when i kissed him goodbye before going to office and when i come home to him, I am being blessed for being first eye witness of God's loving kindness.
I am still sane and working full time at money changer that's a family business.
I am slowly dare to get back to ministry, music and maybe counselling later when chance is given.
Being asked to share with others in various groups of God's goodness.
Our children, Josiah who is turning 14 soon, is a gentle and mature beyond his age young man. He is actively serving His body through ICA youth community. I am so thankful that he is running towards God instead of away from Him throughout the ordeals.
Our young one, Luke, who is 10.5 years old now, is getting his grades up despite all the hardship he went through for losing his "hero" at a very young age of 6. The fact that he is healthy and revere God, always put a smile on my face.
To all of the above, I am so grateful to my Lord Jesus.
Dear friends, I am still in the refining process, just like everybody else......yet I learn between my painful days, that His help for what we NEED is never too LATE (just like written in Habakuk).
In fact in all these, I am getting more conditioning in the arts of "living by faith and not by sight" and living daily what is written in Isaiah 40:31
I am overwhelmed, physically and mentally drained.
I often find myself thinking negatively about the future instead of positive, that's not in my nature to act like so. Most people know me as a bubble chatty person, has a gift of gab, can make strangers feel at ease in a new place.....
but now I am struggling with just going out of the house.
My hubby is not getting better, physically nor emotionally.
He slapped me twice just before the year ended. We came home from a family dinner at a restaurant, things went well and everyone shown their love and concerns to him in their own way.....
yet when we got home, he became agitated, repetitively asking for shower, water to drink or to be hoisted upstairs. All of those repetitively .....screaming louder and louder on top of his lung....usually when i try to calm him down with gentle soft tone voice it works, yet tonight it didn't work.
Now he asked me to leave him alone, for he wants to sleep ....he seemed disconnected with me....yet when he hold that little red rubber heart in his left palm and said, "look Lin, I am holding your heart in my palm"....i melted.
I remember his expression of love is through "act of service" not just by words.
He liked to help me do things that I'm not good at....like computer stuffs, downloading good reading materials to refresh our thoughts and minds with the latest trend ....how to be more effective leaders to your group at church.....how to be better communicator.....how to be better parents.....yet now he doesn't do any of that......
God please fix and heal his nerves that are not connecting all those signals in his brain.
I don't know how to, and none of the doctors can help anymore, now is the healing time...and anti depressant maybe to control his mood....but does it mean he will be like this for the rest of his life?
Someone who is so capable, his brothers and father are so proud of him being the only son who has a master degree from ivy league university in USA. They retold the story of how my husband is so genius in his maths and physics. His major in robotics from University of Minnesota and master of Electrical Engineering from Cornell University, graduated with summa cum laude .... and now down to this. Wheelchair bound, needing help just to turn his body. Why Lord???
Lord what is it that you are planning for him and us as a family?
I know I am suppose to be like Job, I want to be like Job Lord.....but my heart is crying out ....so painful......what to do with this situation?
Can I have a glimpse of the future so I can hang on to now Lord?
What is this all about? What's the purpose for this?
I know I may not know till I meet You face to face......yet have mercy on my tiny faith Lord.....keep it alive by revealing just a little bit .....so i can have hope of the future.....
I am not Job, I have no training nor upbringing on this....not preconditioning on how to handle a TBI survivor....how can I do this Lord? how can I finish this well and bring glory to Your name?
I don't know how to even get to another day with this situation.
My heart is crushed totally .....I have no more strength.....in every form.....
I can't think properly.....my brain is numb....I keep eating though now my weight is soaring....I never been so heavy in my life before till now.
I keep evading the job that awaits me, pushing my mother away from talking me into going back to work at the office....cos I don't know if I am capable anymore....i can't even remember many things....it's like at the tip of my tongue but couldn't come through.....
I can sense that my heart and my mind are shutting down.....is this what You want Lord?
Do you want my boys to be orphans?
Those are my last words written in the early 2014. Simply stated, I know how it feels to be burnout.
Now is April 2017, as I am looking back at the old posts I wrote, and grateful at how God has brought me so far.
Not saying all rosy and cheery, in fact more tears and sorrows than happiness.
But as it is written in Psalm 50:15 -
Call on Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.
Not that my prayer for my husband to be healed totally is answered, instead He opened up my heart to new dimension of His blessings.
How so?
The world shows me my husband as an invalid, but the Lord shows me that I am blessed by being first eyewitness of His living miracle daily.
PET scan of my husband's brain shows that his right brain is 75% dead. The head of local rehabilitation medic asked me, "What would you like me to do for your husband Mam? he is severely damaged on his right brain, plus you have done all that could be done.....nothing else I can do for you"----those words are so hard to swallow.
I used to cry over it, but now I can accept it and being thankful.
Even with his half brain condition, my husband is still able to communicate and becoming more aware of his surroundings and implications that he brought to others.
He could still pray with me and for our family. Watching TV will make him laugh or cry sometimes when it shows something sad. He can remember recent things that he heard or saw.....that's a proof that his short term memory is improving, slowly but sure.😇😇
So when i kissed him goodbye before going to office and when i come home to him, I am being blessed for being first eye witness of God's loving kindness.
I am still sane and working full time at money changer that's a family business.
I am slowly dare to get back to ministry, music and maybe counselling later when chance is given.
Being asked to share with others in various groups of God's goodness.
Our children, Josiah who is turning 14 soon, is a gentle and mature beyond his age young man. He is actively serving His body through ICA youth community. I am so thankful that he is running towards God instead of away from Him throughout the ordeals.
Our young one, Luke, who is 10.5 years old now, is getting his grades up despite all the hardship he went through for losing his "hero" at a very young age of 6. The fact that he is healthy and revere God, always put a smile on my face.
To all of the above, I am so grateful to my Lord Jesus.
Dear friends, I am still in the refining process, just like everybody else......yet I learn between my painful days, that His help for what we NEED is never too LATE (just like written in Habakuk).
In fact in all these, I am getting more conditioning in the arts of "living by faith and not by sight" and living daily what is written in Isaiah 40:31
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
All praise and glory to our Abba Father, Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit!
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