The valley of death days
The past week has been dreadful days for me.
Often times Papo and I cried together for we do not know what else to do.
There is not a single prayer that goes without crying out loud to the Lord.
I often read to Papo the Psalms before I went home and had my much needed rest.
When we read Psalms 91:11-12, where it said :
For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go.
They will hold you up with their hands so you won't even hurt your foot on a stone.
I have a question in my heart, where were they (the angels) Lord when the accident happened?
I can not stop myself from having those questions lingering in my mind.....after a long day of re-directing his behaviors.
He often mixed up the current neighbors as his high school friends, would asked repetitively "do you remember me? I am Peodji".....until the other person got annoyed by his continuous questions.
He would ask for water every second for he forgotten that he drank less than few seconds ago.
Stating that his head, neck, shoulder, arms and legs, toes and fingers.....rotating manners
and expecting to be met instantly.
Doctors said this is due to his brain injury, his ability to inhibit basic needs plummeted.
I knew about this when I read the booklet about TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) survivor like my husband. Yet again, reading about it is totally different from experiencing it.
I am overwhelmed, for I expect the trend will continue to surge....there is no time to waste or being stagnant......but it is happening.....it is 3 steps forward 2 steps back.....I am disappointed.....why is this happening Lord? I thought when You are in charge everything will be fine and express......no hurdles as such......where are You Lord?
I wrote this on 27 March 2013, and now is 13 May 2013.....the situation remains like this.....
Not a smooth and constant improvement, but ups and downs......in fact, the past week has been worsen, with screaming and refuse therapy as he got frustrated with himself.
The most painful thing about all these is to witness him not being himself sometimes and feeling bad about his actions after he got back to his senses. He would apologize profusely and asking me to continue reminding him when he seemed out of control.
To witness my husband, a God fearing man of integrity and dignity, now losing the battles against his "developing into recovery brain" which sometimes would really caught me off guard.
And the only person who is close to him enough to understand his slightest gesture is me, the wife....who is also get frustrated from time to time.
Seeing him not being able to do the basic things to sustain himself pierced my heart.
Yet the Lord reminded me of 2 Cor 4:10 "Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies." In a very special way, this is the life that Papo is living everyday since the accident.....though I haven't seen the life of Jesus seen in his weaken body, yet I believe it will happen someday somehow.
Nobody would understand this, and I don't expect them to, unless they have been through or undergoing what I am going through now.
Taking care of your loved ones who survived TBI is really one of a kind "calling" that no one would envy nor want....yet here I am.
I figure I have been given chance of learning new things about this journey of healing ....not just for Papo, but also for myself.
I re-learn my whole concept of living a SURRENDERED LIFE.
During my teenage years, when I was a baby christian ....I tend to "smirk" when I read about people's testimony on surrendered life or heard people using this word....cos for me at that time, SURRENDERED = WEAK, and weak people are trampled upon....
I learned from observing the world and experiences in my own original family....that we need to take charge and gain control over the situation to get what we deserve. I was so far from the truth!!
Now I start to learn the true concept of SURRENDERED LIFE in the Lord.
It is through acknowledging that God is absolutely competent to lead my life better than I do,
admitting that I am not able to control my life without first rendering my control to HIM,
continuing to yield to HIS will in spite of fearful and uncertain situations,
yet able to put one foot in front of another with new hope in HIM each day,
daring to keep pushing forward though facing all odds, for HE is my source,
that is my definition of living a SURRENDERED LIFE so far.....I will add some more later as I learn.
Thank you Lord Jesus for loving me so much, re-assuring me just like the song that my husband and I like to sing "when I fall down You picked me up, when I am dry You fill my cup, You are my all in all."
Yes Lord, right now my life is in a constant surrender to You. For without You I would have gone insane. But with You, I find my calling and still living life with new hope everyday!
Psalms 23: 4
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.
Often times Papo and I cried together for we do not know what else to do.
There is not a single prayer that goes without crying out loud to the Lord.
I often read to Papo the Psalms before I went home and had my much needed rest.
When we read Psalms 91:11-12, where it said :
For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go.
They will hold you up with their hands so you won't even hurt your foot on a stone.
I have a question in my heart, where were they (the angels) Lord when the accident happened?
I can not stop myself from having those questions lingering in my mind.....after a long day of re-directing his behaviors.
He often mixed up the current neighbors as his high school friends, would asked repetitively "do you remember me? I am Peodji".....until the other person got annoyed by his continuous questions.
He would ask for water every second for he forgotten that he drank less than few seconds ago.
Stating that his head, neck, shoulder, arms and legs, toes and fingers.....rotating manners
and expecting to be met instantly.
Doctors said this is due to his brain injury, his ability to inhibit basic needs plummeted.
I knew about this when I read the booklet about TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) survivor like my husband. Yet again, reading about it is totally different from experiencing it.
I am overwhelmed, for I expect the trend will continue to surge....there is no time to waste or being stagnant......but it is happening.....it is 3 steps forward 2 steps back.....I am disappointed.....why is this happening Lord? I thought when You are in charge everything will be fine and express......no hurdles as such......where are You Lord?
I wrote this on 27 March 2013, and now is 13 May 2013.....the situation remains like this.....
Not a smooth and constant improvement, but ups and downs......in fact, the past week has been worsen, with screaming and refuse therapy as he got frustrated with himself.
The most painful thing about all these is to witness him not being himself sometimes and feeling bad about his actions after he got back to his senses. He would apologize profusely and asking me to continue reminding him when he seemed out of control.
To witness my husband, a God fearing man of integrity and dignity, now losing the battles against his "developing into recovery brain" which sometimes would really caught me off guard.
And the only person who is close to him enough to understand his slightest gesture is me, the wife....who is also get frustrated from time to time.
Seeing him not being able to do the basic things to sustain himself pierced my heart.
Yet the Lord reminded me of 2 Cor 4:10 "Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies." In a very special way, this is the life that Papo is living everyday since the accident.....though I haven't seen the life of Jesus seen in his weaken body, yet I believe it will happen someday somehow.
Nobody would understand this, and I don't expect them to, unless they have been through or undergoing what I am going through now.
Taking care of your loved ones who survived TBI is really one of a kind "calling" that no one would envy nor want....yet here I am.
I figure I have been given chance of learning new things about this journey of healing ....not just for Papo, but also for myself.
I re-learn my whole concept of living a SURRENDERED LIFE.
During my teenage years, when I was a baby christian ....I tend to "smirk" when I read about people's testimony on surrendered life or heard people using this word....cos for me at that time, SURRENDERED = WEAK, and weak people are trampled upon....
I learned from observing the world and experiences in my own original family....that we need to take charge and gain control over the situation to get what we deserve. I was so far from the truth!!
Now I start to learn the true concept of SURRENDERED LIFE in the Lord.
It is through acknowledging that God is absolutely competent to lead my life better than I do,
admitting that I am not able to control my life without first rendering my control to HIM,
continuing to yield to HIS will in spite of fearful and uncertain situations,
yet able to put one foot in front of another with new hope in HIM each day,
daring to keep pushing forward though facing all odds, for HE is my source,
that is my definition of living a SURRENDERED LIFE so far.....I will add some more later as I learn.
Thank you Lord Jesus for loving me so much, re-assuring me just like the song that my husband and I like to sing "when I fall down You picked me up, when I am dry You fill my cup, You are my all in all."
Yes Lord, right now my life is in a constant surrender to You. For without You I would have gone insane. But with You, I find my calling and still living life with new hope everyday!
Psalms 23: 4
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.
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